Hello there.

It’s been a while, I know.

To catch you up real quick, in the last eight weeks, I:

• ended my long-term, live-in relationship

• moved out of our shared home in the US

• flew to New Zealand on a year-long work visa

• bought a converted campervan, got interviews for jobs, and then…

• broke all three bones in my ankle while hiking (!)

• got airlifted off the mountain by a helicopter (!!)

• went through surgery alone, over 8,500 miles from home (!!!)

• have been put on 100% non-weight-bearing bed rest for two months (#@&%!)

We’ll get to all of that soon enough. What I want to write about today is that first part—the demise of my three-year long relationship with a man I loved and ached to lose.

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I saw the end coming for a while, but I tried to push it away. Over the last few months, our incompatibilities would bubble to the surface. I’d swallow them down, but they got bigger. Stickier. Harder to ignore.

I thrive in partnership. I adore caring for others and being cared for.

I’ll cook the meals if you clean the dishes. I’ll ask you how you slept and you’ll check in about how my meeting went. We’ll pass mundane, blissful hours together: reading in silence on the couch, cuddling up with glasses of wine, playing lazy games of cribbage.

While I knew we weren’t right together, I was overwhelmed at the thought of having to start all these small intimacies over with someone else.

Although staying in the relationship felt comfortable and safe, eventually we reached a point where it was simply no longer tenable. I couldn’t force feed myself the same lies anymore, and frankly, I don’t think he could either.

The hardest part was how long I felt uneasy and yet utterly confused. I’d go to sleep each night in a home I lovingly put together next to a person I cherished. But then I’d toss and turn, wanting to crawl out of my own skin. I’d wait all day for him to come home, just to hide from his presence once he was back.

I didn’t know what to make of myself. I felt so distant from who I knew myself to be, but I had no idea how to find my way back.

I was ready to blame it on everything but our relationship. I laugh now to remember a voice note I left a friend months ago, telling her that the relationship was the only good thing I had going on in my life.

It turns out, the relationship was the major reason why nothing else in my life was going well—I hated the city we lived in, the sacrifices I had to make to keep being his partner, and the difficulty of finding meaningful work or friendships within that lifestyle.

More than anything, I grieved the life I gave up in order to be with him.

The longer we stayed together, the more I had to annihilate parts of myself to make it work.

But when I finally got a promising job offer in this city I hated, I had to face the facts: I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be in that city.

I also didn’t want to break up, but I couldn’t possibly stay with him.

Sometimes, you have to break your own heart. Just because something isn’t bad, doesn’t mean it’s right for you. I may love being partnered, but it’s not fair to stay entangled when we both deserve to be in a more fulfilling and right-fit relationship.

The truth I was having trouble facing is that discomfort is a key part of growth. The grist of life is what propels us, even if it aches all over to step outside of the safety of the life we’ve come to know.

It hurts to be alone. It hurts to willingly say goodbye to someone I still love. It hurts to turn my back on a life I spent so long building.

It’s as if I spent the past three years swimming upstream, paddling my little heart out.

Only to look up and realize: all this time, I should’ve been floating downstream with the current instead.

So I let the grief move through me, knowing it’s a testament to how much I was able to love another and let them love me.

I’m picking up the long-abandoned pieces of myself I flung away in an effort to stay in the relationship. Some of them are broken, but they glitter in the sun, triggering a thrum of excitement to run down my spine.

What might I learn about who I can be, now that the world is once again open to me?

What futures bloom in possibility, now that I am putting my own dreams on the table again?

This is the point from which I move onward. I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

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P.S. What has helped you through a breakup?! I’d love to know—leave a comment!

Please send any and all thoughts, revelations, books, podcasts, songs, movies, poems, tv shows—any and everything—my way! And enjoy this week’s edition of HONEY’S TOOLBOX below, where I share a few things that have been a balm to my soul throughout the grief of this particular break up.

Honey’s Toolbox is here to help you refill your creative cup and put your ideas into action—from prompts to spark your imagination to gentle nudges that get you moving. Grab a few tools my friend, it’s time to start tinkering alongside your creative spirit.

1. Listen to “How Do I Find The Courage To Be My Own Guide?” by Dear Sugars

Dear Sugars, the advice podcast by Cheryl Strayed and Steve Almond, is one of my all-time favorite comfort listens. This episode became one I quoted to all of my friends in the aftermath of the breakup, when I tried to explain how I knew it was time to end the relationship. It’s a great listen if you’re looking to find the gumption to make a difficult choice at any point in life.

Cheryl Strayed: “How did you come to that moment, where you realized you weren’t living your truth?”

India Arie: “The truth is it wasn’t that I came to a point of realizing that I wasn’t living my truth, it’s that I came to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. And that’s the point that you feel something different than what you’re living. You feel that rub, that’s the rub. And I always felt the rub. I always felt it all along…”

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2. Watch Mamma Mia 2

This is where I out myself as a massive fan of the Mamma Mia sequel and admit I think it’s even better than the first. Listen!! I don’t really give a fuck about a 20-year-old getting married and finding out who her dad is. But I am highly invested in the romantic trysts of her far more charming mother and all her incredible 70’s-inspired outfits!

While watching it with a friend a few weeks ago, I was struck by this exchange between (spoilers!!), young Donna and young Sam, when he’s struggling to admit to her that he’s engaged (men are traaaash lol).

Donna: I think we should make a choice to do something radical and wonderful. To live in this extraordinary place with someone… with someone miraculous.

Sam: I just don't think it's that simple. Nothing is.

Donna: Everything is. When you break it down.

SO cheesy I know, but post breakup this one really hit me. Yeah, you’re right Donna. Everything actually is simple when you break it down. Even if it’s painful. Even if it terrifies us.

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3. Read Success Addicts Choose Being Special Over Being Happy by Arthur C. Brooks

Without getting too in the weeds, a sticky point throughout my relationship was our opposing values.

Ultimately, as our world slowly collapses around us in a shitstorm of genocide, climate change, and war, I find myself more and more certain that the most important thing in life is the connections we have with each other.

“Success in and of itself is not a bad thing, any more than wine is a bad thing. Both can bring fun and sweetness to life.

But both become tyrannical when they are a substitute for—instead of a complement to—the relationships and love that should be at the center of our lives.”

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4. Find solace in what my dear friend Kayla says

Something I wasn’t expecting throughout this breakup was the sheer number of “should”s I thought I had let go of but was still encumbered by. Things like: I should want to settle down, I should want to move back to the US already, I should have my life more together by now… This all was especially weighing on me as my 30th birthday approaches this summer.

My dear friend Kayla, who is a decade older than me, laughed with compassion throughout this lovely voice note to me a few weeks ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it, too:

“Don’t freak out about being thirty! ‘Don’t freak out’ sounds like a very gaslight-y phrase. But thirty is not old.

You are in no way expected to have your shit together by that age. People who appear to have their shit together at any age usually don’t. That’s just a facade. External circumstances can change at any time.

I think the only true stability we have in life is our own adaptability. The grounding force comes from within. It’s your own internal resources. All of the space you’ve given yourself to honor and grow those is—you’re already way ahead of the curve as far as that’s concerned.”

Fuuuuck, I love my friends!!

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That’s all for now.

Onward,

Katie